Words behind the wall

One day I just woke up and I was okay again, with no thought nor hesitation. I got up and showered off my first alarm not third. I made coffee and hummed my favorite song. I went through the day and I smiled, laughed, had conversation. I finished the work day up beat and happy. I made supper and talked to my favorite people. I watched a movie and went to bed at a decent time.

The day before that I was hurting and didn’t want to move so I got up 5 minutes before I absolutely had too. I didn’t shower and just grabbed a quick water to make it. I sat in the parking lot until the last second and I wanted to just tune everybody out with the music and focus on me. The last hour I dragged and kept looking at the time what felt like minute by minute. I drove home in silence and I fed my child leftovers, while rushing through homework and bath time all so I could just lay down in silence. I was sad, I was sad for a long time and I was dragging it out day by day. I was tired. Mentally and physically. Fighting with the people I loved, mad at the world, numb. Those were my hard days.

I just had to say one day. One day I won’t feel this way. The hard work I do, the money, the stress, the bills I pay, the dreams I dream; it’ll all be different. The hard work I do will show as I take care of myself and the responsibilities I have until it’s done. The money will come and go and come again, and it won’t be something to live week by week with. I’ll have stacks and banks and all the things I could need. I will realize that I cannot control everything and not everything needs a reaction. The things I can’t control shouldn’t be something I stress over or think a twice thought about. The bills will be on autopay and it’ll be worth the dollars paid, not just something settled for. I’ll be in my best form of this life with the businesses I wrote out and planned thought by thought. My kids and their kids will all be taken care of and known that they are loved. I’ll laugh and smile with pictures on my wall and a yard in the back. I will be where I thought I’d never make it too. I will be in my best life with all the things I desired.

Today I try and make me better. I have to start the “one day” today. I have to stop making excuses on why I can’t do it and figure it out. I can’t say that a bad day won’t come, it will. This time maybe it won’t be so hard. One bad day compared to the ten good days I just had should be easy. I will have my people to call for the words of encouragement. I have two eyes looking at me to start the day off. I have a good paying job to go too and I’m surrounded by decent people who will keep conversation cause they realize I am a little down today. I will make it through the day and I will come home and hug my baby a little tighter, make us supper and watch a quick movie with him. I’ll take a bubble bath and I will relax, set my mind free, take deep breathes and remember all I’ve came from and all I am. I will be better tomorrow, I am still okay. Today was just a bad day, it isn’t a bad life.

One day. Make today your one day to make your difference for you. Smile for you, laugh for you, sing ugly and dance in the kitchen again; for you. Whatever sign you need, this is it. This is your one day.