Words behind the wall

You’ll probably never read this, and I guess that’s okay. But I still need to let this out. Regardless, I hope one day you come across this and remember what you had and what was there all along.

First and foremost, I forgive you. You damaged me in ways that literally took the life out of me and had me feeling like there was no purpose in a life without you. It hurt me hard. I lost my all in one. I fought for you though, it was the same ol’ story though. Then I realized you were with her that fast and was still seeing me, lying to me, making me believe we were going to get through this hard time and going to end up on top together?! You broke me! Not only was it hard for me missing you, but I let you get close to my son! My whole life reason, my little boy looked up to you and called you Papa! But you left us? I shouldn’t get into this because my heart really forgives you and believes you meant some of the stuff you said when you came back around a few months ago.. But then again, who knows what you were real about, you lied so much.

I can’t ever say that you were a bad boyfriend or that you treated me wrong, because honestly you didn’t. You made me laugh again and have a real smile. You made me open up to the person I really wanted to be. I cried to you when I felt like it was the end for me, just like you cried to me. I was truly happy. I was doing the things I needed to do to better myself. You pushed and motivated me to the point

I hated you sometimes. When you left, you took that away with you. Everything I fought for and everything I believed in, you took away from me. Now here I am trying to rebuild myself in a home I’ll never belong.

I just have a few questions, i don’t know if I’ll ever get the answers, but it’s worth a shot, right? Why? Why did you come back, mislead me, take my son and I to meet your dad, and still end up leaving with no goodbye or explanation. I just keep asking myself why you’re with somebody who doesn’t care about your well-being and if you’re safe or not. How could you be with her if you can’t tell her all the things you told me or you can’t trust her or you’re constantly thinking of me? Unless that was all a lie. If it was though, what’s the purpose in doing that? I remember you saying that you just missed feeling the way you felt when you were with me, the real you. You were truly laughing, smiling, singing. When I first got into your car, you was listening to this music I have never even heard of and you barley knew the words too, then to listen to music you know every word too and smiling and just simply being you. Do you remember telling me you haven’t been that happy in about 7-8 months? Its crazy all the things I want to know, but don’t want to hear the truth. It sounds like I’m obsessed with you, but I’m really not. It’s just the way you made me feel and all the things you told me I believed. You knew how messed up in the head I was but you still did this. I’ve been damaged but what you did to me was something different.

Lets take a trip down memory lane. I remember the first day I met you. We kept looking at each other at our job interview at Bojangles. We never really talked but then you were gone, and came back then messaged me on Facebook and boom, there we were. I remember you meeting my mom for the first time. She adored you so much! I swore sometimes she loved you more than me. You were patient with her and always tried to make her laugh. I remember you meeting my son and he was skateboarding outside. He clicked with you instantly and that made my heart really happy. That little boy looked up to you and adored you. I remember meeting your son and daughter for the first time. You were jealous because your daughter preferred me. You were patient and calm though, even when it felt like it’d never end. I remember the look on your face when you spent time with them. I remember working with you all the time and you sneaking them “I can’t wait to get home and have you all alone” kisses every chance you got. I remember when we got our house and it wasn’t much but it was ours! We did so good with it, but at the same time it was bad for our health and safety. I remember the times we’d ride to Winston, windows down, music from our phone playing on the speaker. You’d always grab my hand and hold it till I’d let go. You’d sing to me, real or goofy. You’d sing me to sleep or when I’m having a bad day. I can remember you singing our songs to me; Remember when we sung perfect together or made singing videos? You were really the person I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I still can’t see it with anybody else and that’s what stops me every single time. You really were my best friend.

I’ve forgave you, as I’ve said, but I’m still just so mad at you because you know how much I went through. I explained it all and told you exactly how I was feeling and all the things I went through in those 9 months. You acted like you were truly sorry, that you were actually going to be there for me. Boy! I loved you so much and would’ve treated you the best you ever could be, but you’re a silly boy who’s gonna come back when it’s too late.

I really do still worry about you. I wonder sometimes if you’re having a good day or smiling and eating your favorite food. I wonder if you’re somewhere safe and warm. I just really hope and pray God is protecting you in every single decision you make. I’m letting you go, for good this time. You’ve caused me so much damage and I just want to be free of that part of me. I’d still be there if you called me at 3 in the morning and said you just needed to talk, or even just a simple “I need you” text. I’ll always answer. I’ll always be the person who prays for your safety and protection. I loved you dude, that will never go away. I’m just going to learn from a distance.

I hope you get all you’ve ever dreamed of and more. I hope life gets better for you and you realize that you are so much more than the places you’re putting yourself in. You’re one of a kind, stop trying to be like everybody else and be you! You have so much potential, you just aren’t motivating yourself anymore. Any who, I’m rooting the best for you and really hope you’re doing good. I feel like I can finally let go of this. I can’t keep holding myself back anymore because of the thought of you is there.

I hope you read this. I hope it doesn’t break your heart.