Words behind the wall

There was a time in my life where I was so sure I found the person who I would spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate. I fell in love with this perfectly imperfect man for all the things he showed and all the things he made me believe. I fell in love with him for the way he’d make me laugh and call me beautiful everyday. I fell in love with him for the way he’d hold my hand while driving and how he’d sing me to sleep. I fell in love with his smile and the way he called me babygirl. At some point though, everything changed. Even though I still loved him for all these reasons, he didn’t love me anymore.

This was the man I was supposed to spend forever with, walk down the aisle too, and live with till we were 100 years old. He promised me so much for our future, but took it away with 5 simple words. “I can’t do this anymore.” I remember the way my heart broke as he said that and the tears that ran down my face, begging him to change his mind, telling him I’d change. It made no sense to me how one day he was telling me that I was the person he was going to marry, then the next day I wasn’t. The only thing I would think about is the things we went through and why in his eyes it just wasn’t enough to fight for.

I remember when we first started dating and he had no where to go, I let him into my house and made it feel like home. I remember the nights where he was upset and I was the one to wipe his tears away and remind him his reason to be here. I remember all the times we’d laugh and sing like idiots to all our songs. He had an amazing voice that he swore he’d go far with. I remember him meeting my mom for the first time, and she instantly loved him. He always made her smile and laugh from his goofiness. There were times we went broke together, wondering how we’d make it to the next week. Somehow, someway, we made it happen. There were times when he had nothing, but it was always “Whats mine is yours, whats yours is mine.” Therefore, if I had it, and he didn’t, he still did and vice versa. There were moments we slept in cars, on the floor, in the cold. There were times we were sleeping at our friends house, or even my parents house so we could get back on our feet. All the times he would fall out of place, I’d help remind him what he should be doing and push him to go harder. He always got the things he needed to do, done. I’m not saying that he didn’t do these things back for me, he did, but at some point it all stopped. He no longer asked me how my day was going. He no longer would lay with me and fall asleep. He no longer did all the little things he used too. I could tell he was falling out of love with me but I couldn’t accept it. It caused me to argue more and to distant myself from the world. My heart was breaking and all I wanted to do was change his mind. To me it felt like all the reasons he loved me for, he started to hate me for. I didn’t care though, because I really loved him, right?

Wrong. I did love him, but at some point I should’ve accepted that he didn’t really love me the way he said he did. He left. I went into one of the numbest places ever. I no longer smiled, I no longer laughed. I was constantly upset and went into a dark depression. It’s crazy, right? That one single person could do that to you. I thought about him everyday. I used to check his page and his new girlfriends page, too, a lot. It hurt me more that after a year and two months of being together, not even two weeks later, he was with her. What hurt the most about that is he was telling her all the things he told me. My heart was really broken. I couldn’t look at a guy without looking for his traits. I couldn’t let anybody in because I was afraid of the same thing happening. My guard was up and I never wanted to love again. How could he make one of the best feelings in the world, the worse one to me? It made no sense to me. I could never wrap my head around the fact that he was gone. That he was never came back.

It took 9 months. 9 months for me to be able to delete all of our pictures without hurting. It took 9 months for me to listen to a song without tearing up. It took 9 months to let go; but then he came back. He came back and I let him. When I let go, I forgave him for the things he did and the way he left. I forgave him for pretending like we never had anything. He apologized and told me that he messed up and that he knew he should’ve never let me go. He told me all the things I wanted to hear for 9 months, the things I would’ve begged for him to say to me, he was there saying them. I believed him. I believed him because even though he was a different person, the more I was with him, the more I seen the parts of him I fell in love with in the very beginning. I saw him everyday, he was calling me every night. He even took me to the beach with him to meet his father. He really did mean the things he said, right?

Wrong. After two weeks of talking, he did the same thing as before. We weren’t arguing, nothing bad happened. I just woke up one day and he didn’t text back and he blocked me on every social media possible. I was hurt. I was prepared for it, I had a gut feeling it’d happen; but my mind didn’t accept that and hoped he really meant what he was saying. He didn’t though. I don’t think you’re ever really prepared for that. I don’t think you ever accept that the person you loved at one point, wasn’t the same person as they were then. That at some point, they change and become the person they promised you that never would be.

As I look back, I realize I broke my own heart by loving him when I knew his heart was no longer there with mine. All the nights I should’ve went out with my friends, instead of sitting at home waiting for a text that I knew deep down would never come. I’m glad I could finally let go. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore, because it always will. It just means I can finally love myself again from the inside out. I can finally laugh and smile, with meaning behind it. I can go out in public without the fear of seeing him. I can do things without the thought of him and I can just be me again. Letting go of a toxic person, was the best thing I could do for myself. Holding onto him just made things harder for me. He’s now a memory for me, and not a thought. I can look back with smiles instead of tears. I’m thankful for the time he spent with me and all the memories we created together. I’m thankful to experience time with the kindhearted person he used to be and he will always be in my heart. I let go, and that’s the best decision I could have ever made in this lifetime, for me.